Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
