i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
