just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
