if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
