I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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