I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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