Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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