Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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