i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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