I wanna passion pit in your ass
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
