I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
