Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
