I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
