I think i peed on brittanys purse
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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