Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
