know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
