life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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