i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
