dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
