You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
