Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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