So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
