How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
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Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
How's work?
Spinning.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
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I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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