I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize