I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
