you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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