I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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