The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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