I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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