my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
