Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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