Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
