I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
