they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
