so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
