I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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