Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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