ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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