My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
