just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize