Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
