I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
