I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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