you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
