this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
