my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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