she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
