My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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