mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
