i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
