Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
