Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
