Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
