I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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