my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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