Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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