I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
