My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
